On the road again

It's a strange time ahead. I mean, I've left home before, but never permanently, so when I do eventually pack my bags and leave here it's going to be a wrench. I really hate goodbyes, more than anything else, for sure. I mean, deaths, people leaving, whatever.
But, with this comes a new life. No longer in education after having done nothing but go through our education system for... all of my life, I'm free to do almost anything. There's a temptation to get a bit dramatic here, to prattle on about new responsibilities and a new chance to better myself, but in all honesty, I know that what I really want more than anything else is the right to never have to get dressed in more than a bathrobe and to sing tunelessly to my poor, abused mp3 player.
It's interesting to think back on how much people have changed over the years. I mean, I remember a lot about when I was a kid. From nursery school through to high school, I was apparently a genius, from high school to college I played a lot of bad music and had to sit through 5 years of penis jokes, college I... did absolutely NOTHING and got a qualification and now I'm here. 22 years and I've met more people than I would ever have dreamed of, learned more than I would ever have wanted to, forgotten even more than that and I've seen more of this world now than I ever dreamed existed. It's a little disturbing to think that after all that, if I were to talk to myself from 6 years ago I wouldn't even recognise myself, but it's true.
And so, with my childhood well and truly behind me, I may as well dispense some advice from my 22 years of experience with this whole 'life' thing. Plus, I really do like lists, even if they're harder than normal blog posts because I have to think about more points and can't just fill out a few paragraphs with lovely, mindless prattle.

You can ignore a lot of signs. I mean, if they're that important, you'll really know. Things like high voltage, those are important, but largely signs... apply more to other people.
Bad dietary choices are only bad dietary choices if someone sees you making them. I'm my own judge, now, and unfortunately I'm quite lenient on doling out guilt when I'm full of bacon.
If anyone ever tells you you're wasting your time (or even your life), I'd like to offer that if you're enjoying what you're doing at the time and not making yourself miss out on something that might be potentially more amusing, it's time fairly well spent. Maybe I shouldn't comment, now that I've come to realise that life's purpose is to entertain me, but I think that's still valid.
There are two solutions to every problem. Fire, or a complete lack of fire. And since those are so closely related, they're kind of one answer. You might have to get a bit abstract, but it will solve any problem.
Don't try to live without regrets. You'll spend so much time analysing your life to try to identify things you should have done or should be doing that you'll just feel worse. People make mistakes, it's getting over them that's the trick.
Don't trust anyone who looks really pleased to see you when they've never met you. They want your money. ALL of it.
There is such a thing as a free lunch. It's just a bit rare.
If you keep track of your finances, either do it properly or don't do it at all. If you half ass it and screw up the totals, you're worse off than before you started.
If you're alone, make the most of it. It's not something that happens an awful lot and you will rarely be in company that excuses you for playing air guitar at 2 in the morning.
Don't live every day as if it were your last, because that's a really depressing, desperate way to live. Coasting through a lazy Sunday every once in a while isn't a bad thing.
Learn your limits, then break them from time to time just to see if you can.
Work time is work time. If you must work from home, set a specific time to get things done, because there's very little that's worse than knowing that you're supposed to be off enjoying yourself, but you're actually doing some inane task or other. It's jarring.
Never do housework without music. Either sing, hum or just get a CD player or something.

And finally, if I've learned nothing else in life, don't be afraid to make mistakes. If you're scared of that, you'll never try anything new. I think that's hit home harder this year more than any other.

So, with that, a heavy heart and a head full of somewhat peculiar memories, it's time to bid farewell to Castleford and return to the city of my birth, sunny, unfriendly Leeds. G'bye, folks. I'll not be around for quite some time until my Internet comes back, although for the few of you that read this, you probably know that already.
Now that I'm going so close to the city, I may have to do something pretentious like buy an iPhone with a bluetooth earpiece. I think I could get away with that more if I didn't have a Yorkshire accent. Maybe I need to go down south for a while. See if I can't stop sounding a bit like a farmer who's trying to be sophisticated.

Given that it's a new life, I think I can be forgiven for breaking my convention with the blog tags, for once. It seems right, somehow.

Tomorrow's yesterday

Get a pot of coffee. From an uninspired evening came a single idea that evolved into a reasonable saga.
Also, it's still Tuesday somewhere, right?

I like notalgia. It's a strong thing. You see something on TV, you hear something, a sound, an overheard conversation, whatever. Something gets implanted in your head which sparks a powerful memory, usually something from your childhood, and before you know it you're wallowing in the murky waters of the past.
I tend to find that cartoons do it. It's amazing, but ever since college I haven't been able to find a better conversation starter, one that works with more kinds of people and that people can instantly relate to than 80s cartoons. Dungeons and dragons, Raggy dolls, Ulysses 31, Transformers, Thundercats... people particularly susceptible to the siren call of nostalgia will either start relating fond memories or singing the theme tune, those more resistant will still normally crack a smile or respond with an "Oh!".
I love it. I love how we're all united under the same banner, this meaningless pop culture cloud that links us all. It's a little sad that the majority of people identify so well with cartoons as opposed to, say, a really good book, but I think it's important that we all have something in common like that. It makes the world a little friendlier for a while.
However, there's a recent trend coming up. Well, I say coming, it's been here for the better part of the decade, I suppose. People are trying to rerelease all the best of the oldies, what with movies based on comic books, movies based on old cartoons (I'm looking at you, Tranformers and Alvin and the chipmunks) and such. Now this is alright, I can deal with that, but I can't get two things out of my head:

1. It feels like people are trying to sell us our memories, but with high definition and CG.
2. We don't have anything to pass to our children.

We had great stuff in our day. Decent music (arguably. I'm an 80s fan, though), good TV, some interesting books. It's a time of life that I'm downright proud to have come from and I'm not one for being patriotic toward any one place or concept. However, you get all these remakes released as new movies, what are the kids of the next generation going to think? Or kids raised in the 2050s? Say Transformers to a kid in the middle of this century (if we haven't blown ourselves up yet) and you'll either get a blank look or something along the lines of "I remember that movie. Didn't it have a Mountain Dew machine that turned into a robot?".
And then, despite our frail 70 year old bodies, we will have to beat them to death. While singing the Transformers theme.

I don't know what we will really leave behind. I'm not too fond of the things we've offered the world of entertainment this past 10 years. Movie sequels, teen comedies, at least 4 Scary Movies, endless club anthems (not including remixes of said club anthems and "Ft." singles), video game sequels, video game movie tie ins, video games about movie spin offs of games...
I wonder, with a world population of perhaps 6.7 billion (thanks wikipedia!) how long it'll take for all the original ideas in this world to end. As technology develops, we'll find new ways to use it, it's just that the arts, things like books and movies, I don't know if there isn't a finite amount of that. You can only tell so may stories. Music's tricky, you can listen to one song a few different ways and there's an infinite combination of notes out there (I'm not saying that they're all something you'd want to listen to, mind), but I worry that the movies of the next century will be remakes of old flicks, but changed to suit our new environment. Books can perhaps handle themselves. I've seen authors attempt the same story, but give it a completely different spin.
Or maybe the movie industry will end. There must be more material out there now than one person can reasonably view in a lifetime. Maybe the future will be an endless stream of reruns. Maybe cinema tickets will stop costing a fiver.
Nah...

Ha, that's a thought. Anyone ever published a book that was a number of authors telling the same short story but in a number of different styles and ways? I'm trying to think of how Little Red Riding Hood would read if written by Quentin Tarantino, Douglas Adams and Wilbur Smith.
Tell me that's not a good idea.

So yeah, in conclusion folks, in times of great social awkwardness, when nobody in the room can think of anything to say, when one of those awkward silences comes up, you need remember only one thing.

When little Eric eats a banana an amazing transformation occurs. Eric becomes Bananaman!
Da da-DAAAA! Da-DA da da da da da-DAAAA!
Oh mercy...

Surging forward

Busy days ahead. Had a lovely phonecall on Friday, now I have a job, but the few weeks I have before the start date will now be dedicated to making a very concentrated effort to get myself the hell out of Castleford once and for all.
Not that I don't like Cas, don't get me wrong. It's a lovely place if you go to the right areas, same as most other areas, but if you took out Xscape and Junction 32, I'm not honestly sure that there'd be any reason to come here. I... suppose we have a Burberry factory, if you're into that kind of thing.
Actually, they might just sell white trainers... no! No, I need to save money.

Ambition. It's a powerful force for something without any physical form. I think it might be one of those things that I can safely categorise under "emotions" and then kind of ignore, because while I can understand my computer, understanding people is sometimes next to impossible.
Seriously, humanity needs a manual. Or a... personual, for the PC generation.

*bu-dum psssch*

Ambition (and its good personal friend inspiration) is a funny thing. It drives people to conquer nations, build terrifying weapons and incite riots, but also to cure diseases, advance the total sum of human knowledge and invent new pasta sauces. I'd like to know if it's a product of your environment, though, or more something you're born with.
I mean, you get some people who are born into families who've built a huge personal fortune around hard work and good ideas, they've got masses of ambition around them all day, but some decide to live off of the success of everyone else. You get others that drag themselves up by their bootstraps from nothing to really do rather well for themselves. It seems like one of the few things where a positive environment has a negative effect (everything's fine, why should I bother to make an effort?) and a negative environment has a positive effect (I'm going to make some changes, here, I know it can be better). Well, kinda. It's hard to put into words, I suppose. That's why I favour wild, meaningless gestures; the confusion sort of conveys what I'm actually thinking at the time.
Ooh, a semicolon! I don't think I've ever used one of those before.
I like to think that really, people are born with a drive to do things. You can try to influence their development, yeah, make them keen on learning or sports or something and hope they'll make a solid career, but if being a student has taught me anything, it's that once people stop forcing you to learn, once you start having to make a career and a life for yourself, motivation starts to come a little easier.

It's a fickle thing, ambition. It's there when you need it sometimes, other times it goes away when you're desperate, or makes you really, really keen to get mundane things done. I know my own personal muse likes to operate through the medium of MMORPGs and 90s console games. I'm not surprised. I'd have been upset if my entire brain wasn't fairly dedicated to this whole geek lifestyle I've got going on.
I mean, I'd hate to think I'm repressing a large portion of my mind. It might get angry and rebel. There's already enough going through my head, I don't need any part of it to get angry and start shouting.
Metaphorically, at least.

Wordsmithery

I quite enjoy this writing lark. I really do. I think it's maybe because I like stories, really. I mean, the world's far too large to see and do everything, makes me sad to think of it sometimes, but there's just not enough space in a human life to try everything, so the best you have to go on sometimes is the accounts of other people.
Now, there's TV. TV is fine, you can see some heavily edited footage that shows you a perfect visual representation of something, but it's lousy at conveying feelings. Get a person who's been there and is REALLY passionate about having done it, sit them down and get them to talk about it for 10 minutes. There's a lot more... eh, I don't like to use such a nebulous term as saying there's more soul to it, but honestly, I rather think there is.
However, through the loss of storytelling, the selling of it to major Hollywood motion picture companies and TV studios, we've also lost the art of something much more noble. The art of exaggeration and outright lies.
When the fisherman comes home to his grandkids and they ask about what he caught, does he say "well, 3 trout. Not much, really" or does he say "3 fish, but the one that got away? It was the size of a B52 bomber! Did I ever tell you about my time in the RAF...". Lies and exaggeration, they're far more exciting, especially when you're a kid. There's an art to it, I think, giving people just enough bull that they don't think it's too far fetched, that they don't ask difficult questions that you can't answer but enough that the story is still fairly fantastic. And honestly, so long as its nothing malicious, so long as the stories aren't going to put any dangerous or hurtful ideas in people's heads, I'm all for it. I know my childhood was a lot more magical for having thought that there was a Santa and that my dad stood one Christmas morning at the front door, saying goodbye to him.
Life's difficult, sometimes. We go through things on a daily basis that test us on so many physical, mental and emotional levels, so sometimes it's important to just have a little outlet, to have this world where the magical, impossible things still happen. It's a shame that my grandparents aren't around, my grandad was always game for a laugh, but my dad's a fair source of some pretty wild stories. I just hope that, in years to come and if I ever have kids, I can be as genuinely interesting to my kids. Maybe I'll inspire as many dreams as my folks did for me when I was little.

I guess that's why I'll never stop being a kid. It's so much more fulfilling than growing up. Nothing's changed, really, except now I can drink booze and coffee and nobody can tell me that I can't have any sweets.
It might also be why all my favourite jokes take about 5 minutes to tell (by which point I think most people have forgotten what I was talking about). Most of it's in the telling, for me. Or why I laugh a lot harder in person than I do online.

22/M/UK

Oh yeah, on time, baby!
Well, if I ever called anyone baby. Maybe my car, but my relationship with that is rather complex.

Interviewing is a funny thing. I can't think of a single person that would ever tell you "just go in there and be completely honest about everything. BRUTALLY honest", because I've been there. I've been to maybe a dozen of the things, now, and they're mostly an exercise in relating your own personal experience to the job and little else. Not that you omit things, but you certainly never say more than anyone asks unless it's relevant.
That must sound rather sinister.
I mean, I've never told an interviewer about the time I was dumb enough to get my doughy ass dropped out of the loft, unless they ask about any periods of absence.

It occured to me today, what'd happen if we took that interview mentality to other situations? Situations where we're still trying to prove ourselves, we're still a bit nervous, but where they're still slightly different? I mean, interviews sort of confer a kind of style of thinking that you really don't find anywhere else, being that you're trying to make yourself appear as awesome as possible in under an hour.
Examples:
"Y'know, I really think we should go out. We share a mutual interest in jazz bands from the 80s and I've got some really unique skills that I, personally, believe would be of great value to this relationship. I'll keep this brief, I know you must have other applicants to see, today."
"Why do I think I should be allowed to live in your country? Well, I'm a proactive team player with a keen eye for detail. I'm very punctual and have great presentation skills, too, so I feel I'd make a great ambassador to other countries.
What? Well, I don't know your laws and foreign policies precisely, no, but it's a development opportunity that I'll address at the earliest possible time. Tell you what, think it over, call my people, we'll maybe get a contract arranged if you feel I'm the right candidate."

Y'know, I think maybe I'll make one of those online dating profiles, some day, but just post my CV up there and see what happens. If nothing else, it's a conversation starter. Although I'm not sure I'd want to really get too close to someone who was actively excited about the prospect of a partner with a keen knowledge of time management principles and methodologies, with a solid grounding on their implementation on a mobile device for a specific target demographic.
Unless... y'know, there actually IS anyone like that. Message me, I've some wonderful theories on the concept of personal effectiveness stratgies. That'll while away the long winter nights, for sure.

On the subject of dairy bucaneers

I should apologise. I would have done this on time, I really would have. I had plans and everything. Then I had three job interviews on two consecutive days.

Problematic!

So, by request (which is a new and interesting concept), I'm providing an update on the saga of myself and ice cream pirate.
I've given my prey some thought. My dad's returned, sure, and we're eating and such, I know I've mentioned that before, but the fact remains that ice cream pirate still invades our street on occasion. I don't think it's the same one. The old one hasn't been on our street so much since I went out there and started stalking it with kitchen knives, but it was his own damned fault for being delicious in my (and my family's) time of great personal need.
But yes, there are more pirates. A band of ice cream corsairs, occasionally driving up and down our street. They seem to have advanced technologies, since as I tried to pursue one in my car, it appeared to turn a corner and completely vanish.
It is, however, coming up to early autumn. Children are not frequently out playing in the street now, so an ice cream van is not the most advised of business ventures.

This begs the question: why are they here?

Do they seek to sell frozen delights to children who aren't there?
Is it out of habit? Have they nothing more to do all day?
Have I, as a result of CERN's physics tomfoolery, fallen into a groundhog day-esque parallel dimension?

Or maybe, just maybe, it's the only possibly and rational explanation. Maybe it's that the ice cream pirates function as a small pack. A band of dairy dispensing brigands driving up and down in front of my home in a mocking parade! Thumbing their nose at my authority, at my right and duty as a man and at my very existence.
If you can read this, and I feel very much that you can (and do), know this. Your creamy reign of terror is coming to an abrupt end. I will, one day, return to the field of honour with my own band of freedom fighters. We will bring your maniacal tyranny to a close and claim your vehicle for the greater good.
For the children.
For the free spirit of man.

For BioCorp.




Actually, I think I'd rather that groundhog day thing would happen. That'd be awesome. Only I've a feeling that if I knew I could live without any consequences whatsoever, I wouldn't end up doing anything interesting. Certainly nothing you'd actually film and show to people. I mean, there would be dark and terrible things involved, but mostly I'd spend my days seeing how many speed cameras I could trigger in half an hour.

A brand new day

BioCorp. Tirelessly working to ensure that you, the consumer, have nothing short of the highest standard of tyranny in your unquestioned global ruler.
Although I think I'd prefer to be a baron, when all's said and done, because that sounds much classier.
And y'know, maybe someday I'll finally get around to specifying what it is that BioCorp does. There's an evening's entertainment right there.

Might as well tackle a large issue for the start of something new, here. Might as well tackle the world. Everything. I mean, it's a peculiar thing. Go back 200 years or so, which really isn't a huge length of time, and people were still trying to drill holes in people's heads to let autism escape or selling snake oil. The world as we know it, nothing seems to stay the same from one decade to the next. Personally, I blame the Internet. Again. There's an old quote out there, something along the lines of how computers haven't made us smarter, they've just made us wrong but a lot faster. The Internet's just accelerated that even more. Now everyone can share everything they know in an instant, so everyone has to race to be the first to discover something and even if you are wrong, someone's going to hit the nail on the head eventually. I mean, alright, information sharing doesn't really work like that unless you're in open source software, but technology is spiralling out of control. Everything's moving at such a rate now that I honestly can't keep up.
And so, let's return fondly to the past:

In the old days, medicine might have actually killed you. Now, waiting for your medicine might actually kill you. I'm not sure what's preferable.
In the old days, we had stocks or tarring and feathering to humiliate people. Now we have reality TV. Except tarring and feathering probably doesn't destroy any chance you have of landing a normal job ever again because you decided to get naked one night and sing the national anthem.
In the old days, all people wanted was the technology to improve their lives. Now, a surprising amount of people seem to want to go back to the past. Medieval re-enactments, Victorian murder mystery weekend, ren fairs and such.
In the old days, little would have made a musician happier than for the world to hear their music. Now, they try to sue you into submission for using download services.

Maybe things really don't change that much. Maybe we're all just crazy, but in a different setting and with more inventive ways to blow ourselves up.

I do sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be interesting to at least see the past world, if only for a while. There's so much we're losing by progressing as far as we have. The art of conversation, the ability to actually relax. I mean, the fact that people have to actually schedule time out of their lives to properly relax, that you have to book your quiet time, that's terrifying. But I think what I'll miss most of all is the names. People in the past got all the cool ones. They had planets named after gods, things like excalibur, triremes and such. And what do we have now? Phones4u, a town named half.com and football stadiums named after beer.
But the future. I really don't know what to say, there. We've gone from being very British (granted, we were making a good go of conquering the known world), slightly posh and uptight to being fairly American with industry, business and a general fast paced nature to things. It's exciting, if exhausting, but I'd like to know where we go from here. I hope it involves flying cars. I mean, everything the Jetsons taught me so far has been a lie.

Well, here's to the future, anyway, whatever it brings.


A new blog needs a new gimmick, I think. I can't do emotions, here, so let's go for alliterative blog tags.

And for reference, 80 posts worth of previous blogs are stored over at myspace.com/biospark8000. Some are good, some are bad, one is about Jesus' personal truck. It was quite astonishing to see.