Monday, 9 February 2009


Right, I think this post brings us nicely up to date. Normal service will hopefully resume from.... next week. I'm thinking of moving this to Wednesday thanks to the change of gaming night to Tuesdays.

I think it might be time to explain something. You may well know that my great and wondrous plan for conquering the world contains a key element. That of destroying Beyonce Knowles and any evidence of her existence. I have a number of reasons for this. Strap yourselves in, because this is going to be somewhat ranty.

To start with, I'm not sure the woman has any concept of rhythm. She gets it right at the start of most of her songs, even keeps it going sometimes, but in songs like Survivor she kinda drifts off by half a beat. It drive me NUTS. Especially since that song was featured as the final bonus track of Elite Beat Agents, covered by someone with as warped a sense of timing as the real deal.
Second, she embodies everything I dislike about R+B. Nearly every song I've heard her sing has been pretty much about some man who's done wrong by her and how, because she's a strong and independant woman, she'll make it through. That's fine, it really is, but lordy woman, you don't have to tell me that 5 times. You'll be fine alone, I get it, maybe you should stop dating guys because apparently it's not going very well. Maybe it's nature's way of telling you to consider being bisexual, I don't know.
And anyway, talking about how your old man isn't all that special and how you could find another guy exactly like him before the day is out makes it seem less like you're an irresistible bombshell and more like you have terribly low standards and will sleep with anything with a pulse. Which is what I thought you were whining about...
Third, that one song, "If I were a boy". I'm sorry, but I just find it offensive. There's apparently 2 things that really rile me, being condescended and gender discimination. Hell, be racist against me, I wouldn't care THAT much, but for her to yodel her way through 3 minutes of that song, 3 minutes of me being told that I shouldn't have any emotions, any remorse for my actions and any sense of social responsibility just because my reproductive plumbing follows a different set of blueprints... no, y'know what, you don't get to do that. I know a lot of blokes conform to the male stereotype, I've seen it happen, but that doesn't mean you can come out and personally insult half the population. There's some genuinely decent men out there, lots of them. Anyway, I know I'm dense at times, maybe a bit unintentionally callous but women can be as bad. People can be as bad. That's kinda my point.
I think that once I've secured enough money to construct the omega device, my next task may be to launch Beyonce directly into the heart of the sun. Inside a rocket made of rusty nails and broken glass. Also, the glass came from jars of salted lemon juice and hasn't been washed.
Also, the nails are on fire.

Fire is integral to this plan.

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